Why Don't I Like Boygenius?

this is not an explanatory post, this is a post searching for answers

If you don’t know a lot about me, just know one thing: I am a sad girl. The saddest of girls, really. By choice, however. I guess you can say I am “culturally sad.”

I was the girl who read The Bell Jar in high school. In fact, I had Sylvia Plath’s unabridged journals. And I must admit, I annotated the margins. There’s a specific type of teen who reads Sylvia Plath, and then there’s one who puts her own thoughts in the margins. That’s a level of insufferable teendom that sends shivers down spines. In fact, my entire teenage presence was poorly written Rory Gilmore fan fiction.

I’m such a sad girl that I miss AIM away messages. I yearn for the era of unapologetic angst. I had away messages quoting the most emo of bands. I had away messages formatted in ways Rupi Kaur dreams of:

breathe in for luck

breathe in so deep

this air is blessed

you spend with me

In my adult years, I’ve proudly listened to sad girl music. I listen to Lykki Li. I listen to Perfume Genius, who to me is part-sad-girl-part-ghost. I’ve had many of sad baths listening to Japanese Breakfast. I’ve also listened to sad girl music of generations past: Jewel, Fiona Apple, to name a few. In college, I dabbled with The Smiths and The Cure, sad girl songs by British boys. Going back even further: Joni Mitchell, a sad girl of our parents’ generation. A Case of You? Are you kidding me. Tears stream into my glass of red.

You see, I love to cry. I cry as if my ability to see depends on it. If you haven’t listened to a sad song to will yourself to cry, just to feel something, we are different people.

I’ve always been a crier. As a child, teen, and adult. One time I cried to my apathetic English high school teacher because I didn’t win Senior Class President. This is a tidbit that unfortunately shares too much about who I am and was and the mere fact that I am including this? Brave.

All these qualities would presumably make me the perfect candidate for a girl who looks to Boygenius or Phoebe Bridgers for the feels. But why can’t I?

I’ve been plagued by this conundrum for years now, if I am being honest. There are days I lay down and wonder, where does my sad girlness extend to? Why does it stop here, at the very group that is more or less the champion of sad girls in this very moment, the spokespeople for the sad girls of our generation. Sometimes I fear, and I do not say this lightly… maybe I am not a sad girl afterall?

But that can’t be true. It is not how I feel. I would argue I’m sadder than I ever was. And so maybe, just maybe, the answer is in the music. Maybe it is the specific cadence and sounds of the songs they sing. I hate to say this and I know I will upset people, but their music sounds like if someone was open mouth humming while running towards me and then away from me, over and over again — the oscillating sounds of sadness. But it is not like I dislike that. I just don’t turn to it in my moments of need. I don’t feel fueled by it.

A lot of my fellow sads not just listen to, but love, the sounds of Boygenius, Phoebe Bridgers, etc. Many of you reading this right now do too. So, now instead of looking within, I am looking outward. Please tell me why. Why don’t I like Boygenius?

Why? And I’m sorry.