Let me introduce a new installment in my newsletter where I do a sliding doors re-imagination of something no one asked for.
In my welcome email, I mentioned the downfall of society began with Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Girls era and I must apologize for misspeaking on this. I am now realizing how wrong I was. It all actually started with No Doubt breaking up in general. I was watching Gilmore Girls the other night, which I will not apologize for, and while I try to not take anything that show says seriously considering the main characters are caffeine-operated narcissists who have an aversion to vegetables and empathy, one thing stuck with me: Lane (whose storyline was just awful… justice for Lane!) made a joke that alluded to the idea that Tony and Gwen breaking up made the band take a turn for the worse. This is probably true. The downfall possibly began before No Doubt broke up, but for the sake of simplicity for this installment of my sliding doors re-imagination, we are going to think about what the world would have been like if No Doubt never broke up.
First of all, I don’t say this lightly, but I fully believe Boygenius would not exist in this sliding doors alternate history. I cannot explain why, it is just something I feel. I know this hurts a lot of people but something tells me that the Sad Girl Music Movement would have taken a new form, developed a little later, or perhaps never hit mainstream at all. I am not saying this is a good thing either. There is a give and take to every decision in life and all of them simply cannot be for the better.
Second, more women would be queer. Of course, it is not a choice, but that doesn’t discount the idea that significant icons help in one’s coming out story. Gwen Stefani in her No Doubt era was an early crush for many, myself included. She did push ups on stage. She bleached her hair and wore white tanks before it became a staple in the official Lookbook for Bisexuality. Imagine if Gwen kept that vibe going instead of taking a hard left turn and becoming Cultural Appropriation Gwen. And before anyone tries to say she culturally appropriated by wearing bindis when she was in No Doubt, yes, absolutely. For those who don’t remember, Gwen dated her fellow band member, Tony Kanal, who is Indian. And through that, Gwen embarked on the classic “appropriation via romantic relationship” pipeline. But not too long after that, my dad started a business where he sold bindis, many of them to white women, and that helped pay for my bratty teenage needs and so in this specific case, I allow it.
Third, Orange County wouldn’t have become Trump county. Anyone who is a fan of No Doubt knows their origin is Anaheim. In a sense, Gwen’s abandonment of No Doubt and ska’s core values for a life of pop and marriage to a country music star mirrors Orange County’s push towards the right. I know this is a drastic take, but this is the butterfly effect in action, my friends.
Here are a couple of more things that would have been different if No Doubt didn’t break up and sadly I do not have the time to explain why but you will just have to trust:
Millennial minimalism decor wouldn’t have existed. Cats would have had a much needed rebrand. People wouldn’t be so mean to Olivia Rodrigo. Emily in Paris would’ve been Emily in Berlin. Succession would’ve been passed on by HBO, then picked up by Netflix, then cancelled after one season. Lululemon would’ve failed immediately. People wouldn’t still be obsessed with the Titanic. Barbie would’ve been made 10 years ago but it was a flop. Tiny utensils would become a popular trend. Color contacts would make a comeback. Pick up trucks would go extinct. California would’ve seceded.